– Why Men Generally Hate Marriage Counseling

Last Updated on June 21, 2018 by Chris Roberts

MEN DO NOT HANDLE CONFLICT IN MARRIAGE AS WELL AS WOMEN

References “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” By John M. Gottman, Ph.D.

Dr. John Gottman is considered one of the foremost experts on marriage counseling and how marriages function.  He has an entire institution devoted to the research of marriage and how couples function within that context.  His research is phenomenally important, because it is based on years and years of experience and data.  It does not mean that the conclusions he draws based on that evidence is empirical, but he does have a large population from which to extrapolate his findings.

One of his significant findings of marriage counseling is that “In 85 percent of marriages, the stonewaller is the husband.” (p. 37)  You can read more about how stonewalling impacts marriage therapy in a previous article.  He immediately follows up this data by stating, “This is not because of some lack on the man’s part.  The reason lies in our evolutionary heritage.” (p. 37)  This remark that stonewalling is not a lack on the man’s part is profoundly important.  He goes on to state that, “Anthropological evidence suggests that we evolved from hominids whose lives were circumscribed by very rigid gender roles, since these were advantageous to survival in a harsh environment.  The females specialized in nurturing children while the males specialized in cooperative hunting.” (p. 37)  Although, for the most part, our society has evolved to a place where men don’t necessarily need the hunting instinct to survive, to assume that instinct is “outdated” or “ridiculous” is to erase a significant foundation of human life that was dependent on the males’ hunting instinct to bring us to a place where we are now.  This concept in itself is a foundation of therapy and psychodynamic principles.  Who we are now is a function of who we were then, and the necessity to understand and incorporate our past is just as important as advancing towards the future.

Counseling for couples is built upon this legacy of understanding our past.  Dr. Gottman further elaborates the difference between males’ and females’ and how their physiological distinction creates tension within a marriage.  “To this day, the male cardiovascular system remains more reactive than the female and slower to recover from stress.  For example, if a man and woman suddenly hear a very loud, brief sound, like a blowout, most likely his heart will beat faster than hers and stay accelerated for longer, according to  research by Robert Levenson, Ph. D. , and his student Loren Carter at the University of California at Berkely.  The same goes for their blood pressure—his will become more elevated and stay higher longer.” (p. 37)

Since women’s heart rate and blood pressure remain lower and more quickly reduce, it is no wonder women are willing to enter conflictuous conversations more than men: It doesn’t take as a great a toll on them!  And marriage therapy, unfortunately, is almost always based on conflict, and usually intense conflict at that.  So, of course men are more reluctant to entering marriage counseling.  As a private practice therapist in Nashville, Tennessee, I understand that there is even more influence on men to be more quiet and defensive about conflict and conversations.  In Nashville and other areas of the south, there is a greater social stigma for men, by men, to be tough, and grunting, and hunters, and atheletes.  And the less practice we as men have with handling conflict in a healthy manner, the more likely we are to have higher heart rates and blood pressure.

Part of the beginning of any marriage therapy is to help each marital partner understand their limitations and their longings.  Men are going to be more avoidant and exhausted by intense conversations.  Women are going to be even more frustrated by a man who isn’t willing to talk even in marital counseling.  Helping each couple to understand WHY they are this way is an essential part in helping each partner become more open to change and movement.

If you are looking for marriage counseling in Nashville, TN and are scared or nervous, take heart—you are not alone!  Chris Roberts is kind and compassionate to the marriage therapy process and is in no hurry to force couples to change or be different.