– Getting Your Partner to Change Their Behavior Through Couples Counseling in Nashville, TN

GETTING YOUR PARTNER TO CHANGE THEIR BEHAVIOR THROUGH COUPLES COUNSELING IN NASHVILLE TN

This title has a little sleight-of-hand aspect to it. In reality, we can rarely make someone else change. In fact, many of the issues I see in my work with couples counseling in Nashville Tn has to do with each partner trying to change the other one. Living with someone for a long time makes it so incredibly easy to see all the ways they could live their life differently in order to make everyone else happier! There are also really harmful and detrimental actions one partner might be taking and so it increases the desire for us to want to “make them change.” Some of us even feel it is our duty to help/make them change. In most cases, however, whenever our desire is more focused on their change rather than our change, we will end up in distance, fighting, and no one changing.

So, what do we do when we want our partner to live differently? The most important idea is to focus on what we can do differently that might lead to a different action on their part. Couples counseling in Nashville, Tn can be really helpful in walking couples through how to do this effectively.

AN EXAMPLE

Let’s your partner continues to stay out late on weekend nights and doesn’t come home until 3:00am, tired, and somewhat intoxicated. The following day, they sleep until noon and lay on the couch the rest of the day. You have begged and pleaded with them over and over to come home earlier and not to waste the following day. You have both fought time and time again over this issue and nothing has changed.

SITUATION A:

You are furious at your partner’s repeated dismissal of you. You tell them they are ruining their life and ruining this relationship. You raise your voice, sometimes cry out of frustration, and always feel exasperated and exhausted at the end of the weekend. Your partner will most likely feel attacked, even if they know their actions aren’t productive to a healthy relationship. Your partner may find ways to call you a hypocrite about the times you drink or aren’t productive during the day. You are appalled at their grandiosity and refusal to heed your warnings. Perhaps you call them lazy, selfish, or a loser. They call you conservative, controlling, and boring. You feel hopeless. Your partner feels angry and shut down. You hope that one day your words will get through to them. Your partner just hopes that one day they will get a break.

SITUATION B:

During a sober and calm moment together you ask your partner if they want to change. You ask them if their drinking and staying out late and wasting the next day is okay to them. You are curious. You really want to know if they have a plan to change or if they even care about changing. You realize they may have a different perspective on life and they might be okay living this type of lifestyle.   If they say they want to change, you can ask them what they wish was different. You can also offer your help and support, but only if you feel up to it.

Or, you can sit down with your partner during a calm moment and tell them what YOU are going to do, if they continue to make these choices and how you feel when they do. You can say, “It’s getting so hard for me to watch you just sit on the couch all day after being out late. I can’t sleep at night, because I worry about you so much. I know I can’t make you change, but I can’t handle the stress I feel when you make these choices. If you stay out late again this weekend, I am going to go stay with (fill in the blank) for the weekend. If you continue to stay out late, I don’t think I can enjoy being with you any longer. It just makes life so much harder than it has to be.” Then, you shut your mouth and simply gaze at your partner. At this point, you’ve been really clear about how this affects you and what you are going to do if they continue to stay out late. The ball is now in their court. They may want to argue and call you over-reacting, but you have been clear about YOUR feelings and YOUR actions. They are left to deal with your clarity, your feelings, and your actions. They will probably be furious with you, because they now know an argument won’t get you off track. They also know they have to make a decision: choose their weekend adventures, or you.

HOW DOES COUPLES COUNSELNG IN NASHVILLE TN HELP?

The scenario listed above usually takes many sessions to come to fruition. It takes a while to get both stories straight and to help one partner really learn how to communicate without demanding. Most importantly, though, this is not an easy thing. If one partner is willing to choose Situation B, things will be different. The other partner might just walk away. Or the other partner might try to call your bluff and force you to make the heartbreaking decision of moving out or ending the relationship. This is a terribly difficult and complicated situation. A good couples counselor in Nashville can help walk both of you through what to expect and how to follow through. This is not how most couples engage conflict. We have a lifetime of learning unhealthy ways of dealing with conflict. We are experts at getting sucked into unproductive fights and arguments.

If we want our partner to change, we must first be willing to change ourselves. Not to “show them the way,” but simply because that is truly our only option. When we state what will or won’t work for us, we force them to deal with the reality of their choices. When we cast blame or call them names, we lose sight of who’s really in charge. We can only be in charge of ourselves. And that is a terribly sobering reality.

If you are looking for couples counseling in Nashville, TN, Chris Roberts would love to be of help. Chris is a licensed couples counselor who has helped many couples work through issues such as these.