– Why Admiration is so Important in Marriage Counseling in Nashville

WHY ADMIRATION IS SO IMPORTANT IN MARRIAGE COUNSELING IN NASHVILLE

Reference: “10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage.” 2006. Gottman, Gottman, and DeClaire

It’s so easy to get into patterns of noticing our spouse’s tendencies that are frustrating and annoying. In every marriage, each person is so unique and individual that almost anything we do can have the potential to annoy the other. Without taking any time, how many things can you list off the top of your head of things that your partner does that annoy you? From how you hang the toilet paper to how you cook the bacon to how your drive your car, the list is genuinely endless regarding how many things a person could do that annoy their marriage partner.

If left unaddressed, these little “annoyances” can turn to contempt when we start viewing the differences as acts of carelessness or worse, as acts of passive-aggressive attacks. We can’t change everything we do in order to pacify our spouse, nor should we! In a wonderful book about helping marriages stay alive and healthy by Dr. John Gottman called, “10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage,” he gives some practical advice for dealing with these everyday annoyances. He says, “One key to a happier marriage is to keep fanning such sparks of good feeling about your partner, and here’s why: Our research has shown that feelings of fondness and admiration are the perfect antidotes to contempt. When couples make a full conscious effort to notice things they like about each other’s personalities and character, and to express that fondness right out loud, their relationships typically improve.”(p. 114)

USING MARRIAGE COUNSELING IN NASHVILLE TO HELP

While this may seem like common sense, the vast majority of couples I see in my office don’t do this nearly enough. In fact, most couples don’t see the explicit value in this concept. Of course, it would always be nicer to hear compliments from your spouse, but I don’t believe people give it the credit it deserves. Dr. John Gottman has spent decades researching couples trying to understand exactly why they stay together and why they break up. His research indicates that couples MUST be giving constant admiration to each other, or that time will automatically be filled with active accounts of frustration and annoyance.

Marriage counseling in Nashville exists to help couples understand very practical ways to improve their marriage. There are usually more sophisticated, underlying issues that take time and expertise to understand. But, there are ALWAYS simple, practical steps that couples can undertake immediately even in one session of counseling. This is one of those steps. Admiring your spouse is not something left to Valentine’s Day and Christmas. If we aren’t actively, out loud voicing our appreciating, satisfaction, and enjoyment of our spouse, our relationship will ultimately be doomed….at least that’s what Dr. Gottman’s research has proved.

Being admiring and affectionate in a direct way is not easy. It comes easy in the beginning when we are flooded with emotions of extasy and sexuality! Over time though, it takes vulnerability and attention to consistently notice and speak out loud the things that we love about our spouse. If you are in a marriage where you spend way more time talking about your frustrations than your admirations, then marriage counseling in Nashville may be necessary for you to get back on track. As long as there is still some love left in your marriage, then you can be aware of and recognize the things that your partner does that makes you feel proud and excited. Chris Roberts is a marriage counselor in Nashville who would love the opportunity to speak with you more about your concerns and help you get to the right person for help.