– We Must Be in Touch with Our Needs in Our Marriage

Last Updated on July 31, 2014 by Chris Roberts

ALLOWING NASHVILLE MARRIAGE THERAPY TO HELP US GET IN TOUCH WITH OUR LONGINGS IN RELATIONSHIP

References “Hold Me Tight.” By Dr. Sue Johnson

Nashville marriage counseling can sometimes simply be about helping each partner become more aware of their needs in the marriage. In all of our long-term relationships, we become blind to and guarded against the vulnerability of our innate desire to be connected with other people, especially those people that profess to love us so much. The more we don’t feel connected to our spouse and more incapable we feel of redeeming that connection, the further detached we become from the original intent of our relationship. We all engage in relationships to alleviate some loneliness, but more importantly, we engage in relationships to give love and receive the love we need to feel whole and connected.

In a wonderful book about love and the intricacies of our marriage by Dr. Sue Johnson called, “Hold Me Tight,” she provides some valuable insight as to how we become so disconnected from those we believe should be providing the support we long for in relationship. She writes, “Both men and women are inculcated with social beliefs that help ensnare them in the polka. [see more about the polka in a previous article regarding marriage counseling.] Most destructive is the belief that a healthy, mature adult is not supposed to need emotional connection and so is not entitled to this kind of caring. Clients tell me, “I cannot just tell him that I am feeling small and need his arms around me. I’m not a kid,” or “I can’t just ask to come first, even sometimes. I have never asked for that. I don’t feel entitled. I shouldn’t need that.” If we cannot name and accept our own attachment needs, sending clear messages to others when those needs are “hot” is impossible. Ambiguous messages are what keep the polka going. It is so much easier to say, “Why aren’t you more talkative? Don’t you have anything to say to me?” than to open up and ask that our need for loving connection be met.”(p. 84)

In marriage counseling in Nashville, TN, this is the crux of the issue. The crux is whether either one of the partners in the marriage is willing to stop blaming and being frustrated and instead, turn inwards to the longings of their heart to feel connected. Many couples are so equally hurt by the other partner that they give up hope of trusting their heart with their spouse. This is completely understandable. The reality is, however, that at least one of the spouses must believe it is worth the risk to open up to their longing of being connected with their loved one. Typically, when just one spouse is willing to talk about what they need and what they have been missing, the tone of the relationship changes. Most often, when a partner is willing to put themselves in the vulnerable position of stating their longing for and missing of their spouse, the other will respond in kind. This is by no means an easy thing to do. In fact, most spouses have millions of reasons why this won’t be helpful or productive. They are usually both very adept at detailing all the ways they have tried this in the past and it hasn’t been successful.

A good marriage counselor in Nashville, TN can help both spouses become more in touch with their needs and longings. Based on what Dr. Johnson described above, this is an essential element to offering any hope that the marriage will survive. The fun part of this mission is that it turns the attention away from the offense that has incurred, and focuses it on the partner willing to explore what it is they are missing or needing. In this instance, it takes the other partner out of the equation. It focuses the entire goal on helping one spouse get more clear on what it is they are looking for and needing from the (or any!) relationship. As the other partner can sit silently by and listen, they can gain incredible insight into what it is the partner wants and needs without feeling condemned. It can be heartbreaking for sure. This heartbreaking component might actually be the key to see the partner as another human being and not the source of all their pain and tension.

If you or your spouse are looking for marriage counseling in Nashville, TN, then please feel free to give marriage counselor Chris Roberts at Two Trees Counseling Nashville a call to see if he can be of help. Chris is an experienced marriage therapist in the Nashville area and would love the opportunity to talk to you more about your concerns.