– Using Marriage Counseling to Understand Your Choice of Marriage Partner

Last Updated on June 14, 2019 by Chris Roberts

HOW DIFFERENTIATION LEVEL DETERMINES YOUR CHOICE OF MARRIAGE PARTNER

References “Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships,” by David Schnarch, PH.D.

Marriage counseling can be useful in any numerous of ways to help couples gain a better perspective on why their relationship may not be as fulfilling as they would wish for it to be.  In previous articles dealing with marriage counseling, we discussed how the concept of differentiation can be a useful tool in revealing why we misunderstand each other so often in marriage. Virga Law Firm provided their vision on the issue. In David Schnarch’s book, Passionate Marriage, he goes on to further emphasize the importance of knowing about and using the theories of differentiation.  He makes two major claims about the importance of differentiation:

“First, we emerge from our family of origin at about the highest level of differentiation our parents achieved.” (p. 69)

Schnarch argues that most of us reach our highest level of differentiation around adolescence and we remain in that state for the rest of our lives.  This is where marriage counseling, and therapy in general, can be extremely effective in moving us beyond the patterns of our familial home.  If our parents have low levels of differentiation, then that means as children we were unwittingly pressured into relating to those we love in ways that doesn’t breed independence and self-sufficiency.  Those patterns are very difficult to change, since we have been practicing them since birth.  And those patterns become even more confounding when we realize that we don’t even see them as patterns; we just see them as this is who we are.  As we become older and enter into new loving relationships, we find that our way of doing things doesn’t always translate to these new relationships.  And thank goodness!  The inability to perfectly transfer our old ways of relating to our spouse creates the fertile (and often tenuous) ground for change and growth.

“Second, we always pick a marital partner who’s at the same level of differentiation as we are.” (p. 69)

This is a funny remark to grasp, especially in light of the old adage that Opposites Attract.  However, it is usually true.  Ironically, most couples enter marriage counseling with one partner stating that they care more about their intimacy than the other partner.  The way each partner walks out their differentiation is described in a previous article about marriage therapy.  Basically, marriage partners can be at the same level of differentiation, but how they show this to the world can almost look like opposites.  Part of marriage counseling then becomes allowing the therapist to point out how neither partner is necessarily better at being a spouse, and they both have important issues to deal with in regards to making the marriage work.  Schnarch outlines three important questions for couples to talk about in regards to understanding their level of differentiation as compared to their spouse:

• You have about the same tolerance for intimacy, although you may express it differently
• You and your spouse make splendid sparring partners because you have roughly the same level of differentiation.
• Assume you are emotional “equals” even if you’d like to believe otherwise.  If you want to discover important but difficult truths hidden in your marriage, stop assuming you’re more differentiated than your partner.  Look at things from the view that you’re at the same level and you’ll soon see the trade-offs in your relationship.

These are difficult questions to grasp.  For many couples, just trying to comprehend that they are at the same level as their partner is humiliating and humbling.  Marriage counseling can be a safe and neutral ground for the therapist to calmly point out and discuss how their way of relating to their spouse is even more important than what they do.  We all fall in love with our spouse for a reason, and usually a beautiful, dramatic, and romantic reason!  Sometimes, being able to look back at that reason and use not only the romantic part, but also the logical part can be helpful in understanding our current predicament. Hire the right divorce attorney in Scottsdale AZ in case your marriage broke up.

At Two Trees Counseling in Nashville, Tennessee, we love to work with couples in marriage counseling, and hold out hope beyond hope that the issues that have divided you can be used to rekindle and reconnect your marriage.  If you have more questions about how we work, or questions about counseling in general, please feel free to give us a call.