– Learning Common Marriage Myths in Marriage Counseling

Last Updated on May 4, 2023 by Chris Roberts

DEBUNKING COMMON MYTHS ABOUT MARRIAGE PROBLEMS

References “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” By John M. Gottman, Ph.D.

There are many things a couple can learn in marriage counseling.  They can learn how to communicate better, how their family of origin affects their current lives, how to be more supportive of their spouse, etc.  But one of the underlying benefits of marriage counseling is also learning which myths about marriages are actually not true.  There are so many old wives’ tales about so many things in our lives, and marriage is not exempt from the old adages.  In most cases, traditional and societal myths about certain topics are far from harmful and usually provide some element of truth, if not always some humor.  But when it comes to marriages, there are certain myths that could ultimately become detractive to a healthy marriage.

One of the ways marriage counseling can be helpful is that it creates a forum to explore how each spouse is trying to love and care for the other spouse.  There are so many things we do in our daily lives that we never stop to understand why we do them or where we learned them.  A marriage counselor can be helpful to slow down the process of a couple’s interaction and understand why they are doing what they are doing.  It is in this process that often the couple learns they have been basing their actions on principles, or myths!, that ultimately are not helpful for a happy marriage!  In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman lists out some common myths about marriage functioning that he believes have been debunked by his research into marital stability.

One of the common myths is “Neuroses or personality problems ruin marriages.” (p. 13)  This can often turn into the scapegoat mentality where one spouse blames the other for not being “healthy enough” to be in a committed marriage and therefore gives the other spouse a free pass to leave.  Dr. Gottman writes, “The key to a happy marriage isn’t having a normal personality, but finding someone with whom you mesh.” (p. 13)  This means that each spouse will have to take the time to learn how they function best in a relationship and then communicate that to their spouse in a way that their spouse can understand.  This is no small task.  But it changes the game from finding what’s wrong with a person to finding how they relate best to other people.

Another common myth is, “Common interests keep you together.”(p. 14)  Dr. Gottman states that while common interests are nice to have with your spouse, it “…all depends on how your interact while pursuing those interests.” (p. 14)  This is such an important distinction because having common interests can actually the reason for getting divorced.  If two people are equally passionate about a certain activity, but they do they activity even a little bit differently, it can cause major tension and frustration, and disagreement.  The key to enjoying activities together is having openness and curiosity about how the other person does it and being willing to play in their space.

Another myth about happy marriages is the philosophy of You Scratch My Back and I’ll Scratch Yours.  Dr. Gottman states that many marriage counselors will employ this type of strategy to help couples get back on track.  This philosophy makes some logical sense, but it usually doesn’t make emotional sense.  Dr. Gottman states, “[I]t’s really the unhappy marriage where this quid pro quo operates, where each feels the need to keep a running tally of who done what for whom.  Happy couples do not keep tabs on whether their mate is washing the dishes as a payback because they cooked dinner.  They just do it because they generally feel positive about their spouse and their relationship.” (p. 15)  And no one (not even a marriage counselor) can make a person feel positive toward another person.  Either a person feels positive toward their spouse, or they don’t.  To change how a spouse feels towards their partner, you have to understand where the feelings turned sour.  To ask a couple to simply repay their spouse for a kind gesture usually leads to more bitterness and distance.

In a future article about marriage counseling, we will discuss more common marriage myths and ways to actually build a healthy marriage.  A marriage is always a work in progress, the journey never ends.  For spouses to learn how their approach to a happy marriage isn’t that helpful is just part of the journey!

If you are looking for marriage counseling in Nashville, Tennessee, please feel free to give us a call at (615) 800-9260 and discuss more if we could be a fit for you and your marriage.  My name is Chris Roberts and I am a marriage counselor in Nashville, TN and love helping couples break through to happy and fulfilling marriages.