– Sharing Power in Your Marriage

WHY SHARING POWER AND DECISION MARKING IN YOUR MARRIAGE IS IMPERTIVE THROUGH MARRIAGE COUNSELING IN NASHVILLE, TN

References “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” By John M. Gottman, Ph.D.

There are so many things males are taught directly and socially about what it means to be manly and be a “man.”  Part of any good marriage counseling is helping each partner understand these influences on both men and women and how they may be impacting their marriage.  One of the most common lies about being a man is that men should make all important decisions in a marriage.  Being a man myself, this logic is silly at best and ruthless at worst.  There is no research that has proven men are fundamentally better decision makers than women.  If men are not fundamentally better decision makers than women, then this ideal that men should make all the important decisions leads to all sorts of chaos and dangers in a marriage.

Marriage counseling can become a safe place for men to begin to explore the reality that most men don’t actually feel more capable of making decisions than their wives.  Whether intentional or not, both partners become locked in a pattern where the man is seen as more competent, and conversely, the woman as incompetent.  It’s easy to see the dysfunction in this paradigm.  Both partners must live up to this ideal, or their relationship will inevitably break down.  The hope of most marital therapists is that is still enough love in the marriage for both people to realize this ideal is neither healthy nor life-giving for a long-term marriage.  If both partners can accept that this ideal is not true or effective, then both can get on the same page of righting the ship.

In a seminal work on marriage efficacy by Dr. John Gottman entitled, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” he gives substantive data for what happens in marriages where either partner refuses to share power and decision making authority.   Dr. Gottman writes, “Studies have shown that marriage where the husband resists sharing power are four times more likely to end or drone on unhappily than marriages where the husband does not resist.” (p. 105)  Especially in the south, most marriages “drone on unhappily” in this paradigm, because women submit to this power differential and never feel free to enjoy their own sense of personal freedom and power.  When either spouse dumbs down their own sense of worth and power, the marriage may not end, but it cannot thrive and flourish.  Love is meant to enliven both people in the relationship.  Even the partner with all the power will, on a very real and exceptional level, become bored and dismissive of the other partner.  It just makes sense.  We all want to feel matched and competitive in our love with our partners.  When one partner has far more power than the other, both people will suffer, whether they know it or not.

MARRIAGE COUNSELING AS EDUCATION

Sometimes marriage counseling can be at its best by just simply asking partners to look logically at their life.  On the outset, most people will love the idea of being the partner in power and not being questioned and doubted by their spouse.  But on a deeper level, we intuitively know that we don’t have it all figured out.  We need dialogue and discussion to understand our own motivations and intentions.  Our spouse could be the perfect person to help us walk through this complicated life.  And life is always full of complications and complexities.  Being in conversation with other people (in this case, our spouse) is the essence of life and love.  We share our thoughts and ideas and passions and we listen to others.  We come to a “best guess” as to how we should proceed, but we all know that even at our best we are just guessing.

Marriage counseling can help couples find common ground in logic to help them work through complicated issues like power and decision making.  Logic is never as straightforward as logic.  To be willing to see another person’s point of view takes vulnerability and curiosity.  Power is usually the antithesis to vulnerability and curiosity.  If your marriage needs some help in finding common ground with regard to power and decision making, marriage therapist Chris Roberts at Two Trees Counseling Nashville would love to start a conversation with you.