Trust Is Built in Very Small Moments: How to Strengthen Your Relationship One Moment at a Time

When we think about trust in relationships, we often picture it as something forged through grand gestures—loyalty over decades, standing by your partner through illness, or making major sacrifices for one another. While these big acts certainly matter, relationship expert Dr. John Gottman offers a more subtle and powerful insight:

“Trust is built in very small moments.”

This quote holds the key to why some couples thrive emotionally while others drift apart. Trust isn’t usually shattered in one dramatic moment, nor is it built through a single romantic gesture. It's created—or eroded—bit by bit, through micro-interactions that either reinforce emotional safety or create distance.

Let’s take a deeper look at what these “small moments” are, how they shape the emotional fabric of your relationship, and how you can use them intentionally to rebuild or reinforce trust with your partner.

What Are “Small Moments”?

Gottman refers to small moments as “sliding door moments”—seemingly insignificant decisions or reactions that either bring partners closer or push them apart. These moments are not always obvious, but over time, they accumulate into a pattern.

Some examples of small moments:

• Turning toward your partner when they make a casual comment

• Offering a warm smile when they walk into the room

• Saying “thank you” for something routine

• Pausing to listen when they seem stressed

• Gently reaching for their hand while watching TV

• Checking in during the day with a quick text: “How’s it going?”

• Noticing when they’re quieter than usual—and asking why

• Apologizing sincerely for a misstep

• Remembering something important to them (a meeting, a bad day, a favorite snack)

Each of these moments may feel tiny or even forgettable in isolation. But to your partner, they signal “I see you. I care. I’m here.”

Why These Moments Matter So Much

In long-term relationships, daily life can dull emotional awareness. We become task-focused, distracted, or reactive. And that’s when the erosion of trust begins—not through betrayal, but through emotional absence.

When small emotional bids for connection go unnoticed or ignored, partners begin to feel invisible or alone. Over time, this leads to resentment, withdrawal, and disconnection.

Gottman’s research shows that in stable, emotionally connected couples, partners “turn toward” each other in small moments of need up to 86% of the time. In contrast, distressed couples do so only about 33% of the time.

These small responses build a reservoir of goodwill—a sense of emotional safety that acts as the glue in relationships, especially during hard times.

Common Small Moments That Build (or Break) Trust

Let’s explore more specific examples of small moments that can either build or erode trust.

Moments That Build Trust:

• Listening with your full attention when your partner shares something

• Responding kindly when they express a need or concern

• Acknowledging their emotions instead of brushing them off

• Keeping small promises, like being home on time or bringing something they asked for

• Checking in after a conflict, not just moving on

• Offering affection spontaneously, like a hug or a quick “I love you”

• Noticing their efforts, and saying so: “I saw how hard you worked on that.”

Moments That Break Trust:

• Looking at your phone when they’re talking to you

• Rolling your eyes or sighing when they share something emotional

• Minimizing their stress with comments like “It’s not that bad” or “Just get over it”

• Ignoring emotional bids, like a quiet “It’s been a long day” that goes unacknowledged

• Reacting defensively when they express a concern

• Forgetting important things they’ve told you multiple times

These moments create an atmosphere over time. You’re either communicating: “You matter to me,” or “You’re on your own.”

How to Improve Relationships Through Small Moments

So how do you start using small moments to build a healthier, more connected relationship? Here are practical, daily strategies couples can use to turn toward each other more consistently.

1. Notice the “Bids” for Connection

A bid is any attempt to connect emotionally. It can be verbal (“Hey, did you see this article?”), physical (a gentle touch), or behavioral (a sigh, a pause, a look). Your job? Notice and respond.

Try this: When your partner makes a small comment, instead of ignoring it, say something back. Even “Tell me more” or “That’s interesting” is a simple step toward engagement.

2. Make Repair Attempts Early and Often

When something goes wrong—even if it’s minor—small repair attempts can prevent it from escalating. This includes quick apologies, affectionate gestures, or humor.

Try this: After a tense exchange, say “I didn’t mean to sound harsh—can we try that again?” This tiny moment signals emotional responsibility and rebuilds trust.

3. Create Rituals of Connection

Establish regular small practices that keep emotional doors open. These can be:

• Saying goodbye in the morning with a hug or kiss

• Eating dinner together without screens

• Sharing “highs and lows” of the day before bed

These rituals may feel mundane, but they weave intimacy into daily life.

4. Use Texts and Technology Thoughtfully

You don’t have to write paragraphs. Even a quick, “Thinking of you” or “Hope your meeting goes well” goes a long way.

Try this: Set a recurring reminder to send your partner a check-in text during their busy time of day.

5. Reflect Back What You Hear

When your partner shares something personal, reflect it back before offering advice. This helps them feel truly seen.

Try this: “That sounds like it really frustrated you. I get why you’re upset.”

6. Celebrate the Good Together

Couples often only focus on problems. Make small moments of celebration a priority—acknowledging wins, good news, or just everyday successes.

Try this: “You crushed that presentation. I’m so proud of you.”

7. Be There When It’s Hard

You don’t have to fix your partner’s sadness or stress. Just be present. Sit beside them, listen, hold their hand. These are the moments they’ll remember.

Trust Is a Garden, Not a Fortress

Think of trust not as a fortress built in one day, but as a garden. Each small act of kindness, listening, and presence is a seed. Over time, these seeds grow into something strong, nourishing, and resilient.

The beauty of Gottman’s insight is that you don’t need to be perfect. You just need to show up for the small moments—again and again. That’s how trust is built. That’s how love deepens.

Final Thoughts

If your relationship feels distant or strained, don’t wait for a grand turning point. Start small. Start today.

• Answer when they call out to you.

• Ask how their day really was—and listen.

• Say “I’m here” with your body language.

• Offer a kind word when they least expect it.

These are the moments that matter. These are the moments that build trust.

As Dr. John Gottman reminds us,

“Trust is built in very small moments.”
The good news? You have dozens of those moments every single day. Use them well—and watch your relationship grow stronger, closer, and safer.